...the COUNTESS comes in - pointing
a gun at SPARK:
COUNTESS: How clever of you Mr. Spark. It leads down into the cellar.
Hand over your gun. Nice and easy. And we'll go down there together.
There's someone down there I think you ought to meet.
SPARK now tries out one of the oldest tricks, pretending he has
tipped off Sgt. KARELLI and that, in fact, in this very moment KARELLI
is standing right behind her and he's asking him no to shoot, he
might hit him... well, that's a lame one isn't it. The COUNTESS
doesn't buy it - at least not in this format. Only when SPARK tries
out a variation with voice-imitation included the COUNTESS spins
around nervously and SPARK grabs the opportunity in form of her
SPARK: Now. Let's go down into the cellar and meet your husband.
Here's your gun back - unloaded, of course. You just walk behind
me and point it at my back - and just remember my gun's loaded.
No tricks now. That husband of yours is already officially dead,
so if I put a bullet in him it's just gonna save extra paper work
for the state.
SPARK checks his gun - and before they're heading for the final
confrontation, he goes into the next song - the groovy:
ON THE CASE
The end of the song finds SPARK and the Countess in the mansion's
cellar: A mainframe computer room, with a giant machine sitting
in it's center. [in the actual performance it looked like quite
an oversized pocket-calculator.]
Spark looks around - "Well, where is he? Where's your husband
Out of the mainframe blurts a menacing voice.... we know these kind
of voices with a lust-for-world-domination undertone...
What follows is the extended prototype of the mad-genius-monologue...this
time, however, a genius that turned INTO a machine....a DEUS EX
Read the entire speech of HYMY-SPENCER-turned-into-his-own-MAINFRAME
After HYMY SPENCER/The Mainframe has layed out in detail his world-domination
plan, the play takes it course with an incoming fellow, we all know
The machine has now begun it's final system analysis. In three
minutes the world will start to become a very different place.
SPARK: Oh yes, that would be quite possible. I count just one
thing that can prevent this from happening - and that is: KARELLI
really has arrived this time and he's right behind you NOW. (looks
COUNTESS: It won't work again Mr. Spark.
KARELLI: I don't know what's going on here, lady. But according
to page 235 of the procedure manual I must ask you to put your
The COUNTESS spins around. SPARK grabs the gun.
KARELLI: Alright, Spark. I got it.
SPARK: Alright, Karelli. Now don't panic. Hold on. Only one of
those guns is loaded.
KARELLI: Alright. One of those guns is loaded. Which one, Spark?
SPARK: Good question. Now hang on a second and keep her covered.
sets in the final-who's-got-the-loaded-gun-game...
- Spark's deducing that HIS gun is -still- the loaded one... yes,
but which of these is his gun?? The Countess, of course, won't
let him take a look at the serial number...
The COUNTESS chips in that they could ask the computer - KARELLI
quickly pushes a button at random and the mainframe produces a
read-out. KARELLI grabs it... but being a straight-not-too-over-intellectual-guy,
he can only focus his attention on one thing at a time... So,
in order to read that read-out properly he asks the COUNTESS to
hold his gun for a moment. SPARK yells out....well, in vain. The
COUNTESS has another gun...
SPARK: I just don't know how you always bring me into such a mess...
KARELLI: Now calm down, I got the read-out here, right? Now listen...
Well, the computers tracks down exactly which gun was loaded at
which time...the last gun that's being loaded was... KARELLI's
gun. SPARK's relieved but... apparently KARELLI's gun's "just
SPARK has the next idea:
The AUDIENCE saw what's happened.
Surely THEY must know which gun is loaded. KARELLI's asking the
audience, warning them to they could all be booked should they
yell out some smart-ass remarks....well, the result isn't overwhelming.
They're all getting booked and still no one knows which of these
darn guns is loaded...
But hey, there's another thing, SPARK remembers:
SPARK: Karelli, you surely tipped off your men before you came
KARELLI: Right, right. - Did I?
SPARK: Yes, you did!
KARELLI: Oh, yes. I tipped off my men!
SPARK: Karelli, where are they?!
KARELLI: They're coming... they're... right behind me!
SPARK: They're right behind you?
KARELLI: They're right behind me! (no one's behind him, everyone
can see that...)
SPARK: WHERE are they?
KARELLI: They're right behind YOU, Spark! (no one's behind
him, everyone can see that...)
SPARK: NOT behind ME!
KARELLI: Well, then they're right behind you! (points at the
Countess - Countess spins around, Spark grabs her gun.)
SPARK: Give ME that gun, Karelli! Well, how much time's left before
the world becomes a different place?
KARELLI: About 30 seconds...less than that.... 5 seconds...
SPARK: Ok. This is one move I don't think your program allowed
for Mr. Spencer!
SPARK fires, empties his gun into the mainframe.
In lolling tone the computer starts to sing "Home on the
Range", getting faster and faster - ending with the boing
of a spring.
And that's that for another world-domination-plan gone wrong.
KARELLI puts handcuffs on the COUNTESS, then turns to Spark and
handcuffs him as well.
SPARK: What's this?
KARELLI: I am taking you in, Spark.
SPARK: Me? What for? I just saved the world, didn't I?
KARELLI: You still ain't paid that parking fine! Let's go.
KARELLI leads them out - lights down
-- lights up for:
A few days later. SPARK enters his office. The evil mainframe
hangs stuffed on his wall. SPARK's having another chat with ZYTE,
clearing up some last questions on this case... - especially about
that dame, that SPARK had developed a kinda liking for...
SPARK: Do you think - or have you accounted yet, whether the COUNTESS
was really and truly acting in an un-american way, or was she
just under the control of the machine?
ZYTE: I guess that's something we'll never really know for sure,
SPARK: I guess we won't. But there's one thing I really know for
sure. And that is that dames are trouble. Whichever way you look
ZYTE: Yeah, I know. And I've seen the way you look at them.
SPARK: Dames are really trouble. They are only after one or two
thing's a guy has. They eiter want his money - or his balls. Usually
both. (thinks a moment). Well, that's three things.
ZYTE: Speaking of which, did you know that the scrotum of the
average healthy American male contains enough spermatozoa to repopulate
the entire world?
ZYTE: Approximately half of them will turn out to be dames.
SPARK: Zyte, do you know what I think?
SPARK: Good. Just make sure you keep it that way.
(he turns to the audience)
So, that's how did it.
Just remember this: There are eight million /
ZYTE: Eight point two five
SPARK: Thank you... There are eight point two five million stories
in Silicon Gulch.
This has been one of them.
So the next time your pocket calculator or your digital watch
starts playing you up - remember this:
It might be a job for BRAD SPARK.
KID FROM SILICON GULCH