Foreword
It
was in the early 60s when Herr Fanz Joseph Strauss, then German Defence
Minister, sponsored the American designed Lockheed Starfighter for use
in the modern German Luftwaffe.
Originally used by the U.S. Air Force as a light, single seater, fair
weather fighter, German Defence Ministry experts under the orders of Strauss,
approved modifications to enable the aircraft to carry additional equipment:
thus turning it into a heavy duty bomber.
It was these severe structural modifications which rendered the jet unstable
and difficult to control. The first model of ejector seat failed to operate
at low altitudes, resulting in the death of many pilots.
(It was only recently revealed that essential flying tests had been omitted
before the adopted Starfighter was put into production). Unbelievable
too: servicing of the plane was performed by an underinformed ground crew.
Nicknamed the Flying Coffin, the Widow Maker and the Jinx Jet, there have
been 162 Starfighter crashed to date. (1974)
Sketch:
Franz Joseph Strauss,
German Defence Minister, reviews the Luftwaffe in 1958. Finding it somewhat
lacking in image potential.
Voices of German
Air Defence Minister (Franz Joseph Strauss) and Air Chief of staff.
Sound of old prop aircraft chugging. Parade ground noises of boots and
commands, in background.
F.J. Strauss: (gradually building up to messianic pitch) ...This Airforce
is an a terrible state. Just look at it. Leftover from the last war.
This is not and aiforce, this is an air-circus, God! Even the Red Baron
himself would laugh at such antiquated aeroplanes. We must modernize!
Voice 2: Ja mein Herr.
Strauss: We must join the supersonic race.
V2: Ja mein Herr.
Strauss: We must get up to date...(finger snapping) ...Get with it!
V2: Ja, Herr Minister.
Strauss: We must completely reorganize. Build a strategic Air Defence
System that will astound the world.
V2: Ja mein Herr.
Strauss: There must be a dramatic renaissance of the Luftwaffe. The
long awaited reawakening of German air supremacy. Out of the ashes of
defeat...a shining silver bird arising...we will sew up the skies with
our gleaming needles...the world will be....
Fade out into snatch
of Strauss waltz...fade up into...
The
Aerospaceage Inferno
A flight of steel
eagles tearing by
the ripped-silk scream of the rended sky
flame on through sound and make time fly
what a good way to go
what a good way to go
in the aerospaceage...inferno
Fly through the ground
like a circus hound
through the burning hoop with just one bound
not even your ashes will be found
what a good way to go
what a good way to go
in the aerospaceage...inferno
Set the controls
for the heart of the earth
the silver machine's worth more than you're worth
but the Phoenix soul is bound for rebirth
what a good way to go
what a good way to go
Sketch:
Aircraft Salesman
(A door in the foot.)
(Voices in the Background....fair
ground callers):
Roll up roll up...this is the plane you want. Wanna try a fast plane
sir....fast plane. Knock the pilot out of the air...three goes one mark...
Voice of Air Defence
Minitster (Strauss): NEXT!
Cut to Voice of American Salesman (warm and friendly as a TV ad for
cigarettes used to be)
Salesman: Hi there. We understand you want to buy some airplanes.
Strauss: That is correct.
Salesman: Well we make ariplanes. Good ones. Fast and reliable. Let
me just show you this. Look at this picture. This is the F104. Or the
Starfighter as we like to call her. Isn't she beautiful. Yep. She sure
is beautiful. Designed by the same man who designed the famous U2.
Strauss: (dreamingly) The U2....
Salesman. Yes. It's the finest fairweather fighter on the market. You
won't find a better one at the price. Or any price for that matter.
Strauss: Yes, it's very nice. But we need a plane for bombing, straffing,
assault and battery, interception, ground support and reconnaissance.
Not just a fairweather fighter!
Salesman: Well, that's ok. We can make some modifications. It'll cost
a little extra, but it's worth it. Just look at the shape of this beauty.
Look, I tell you what we'll do. We'l redesign the plane, right? And
instead of just calling it the F104, we'll call it the F104G.
Strauss: G?
Salesman: Yeah, eh, Herr Minister - G. G for Germany
Strauss: G. for Germany, eh....
Salesman: Yeah, ehm, G for Germany, Herr Minister, you know, it'll go
well on the plane, we could do a logo around it and it would look very
taste up in the clouds. We could illuminate it a bit - so, that on dark
days you would see it twinkling like a star.
Strauss: G for Germany..? Also G for Gott strafe England... (God punish
England)- - this I am enjoying. (laughter) G for Germany!!
The
Widow Maker
Long and lean - a
silver queen
Have you ever seen - such a flying machine
hits the ground as fast as sound
seven hundred thousand pounds of little pieces lying around
The Widowmaker- is
a real brain-shaker
the Widowmaker - is a silver queen
the Widowmaker - is a real heartbreaker
the Widowmaker is long and lean.
Easy to fly - a pie
in the sky
do you wanna try - a good way to die.
Dive through the clouds with a scream really loud
hold your head proud and wind up in a shroud.
The Widomaker - is
a real brain-shaker
the Widowmaker - is easy to fly
the Widowmaker - is a young life taker
the Widowmaker - is a pie in the sky.
The Widowmaker is a good way to die.
Sketch:
Two
Test Pilots Discuss the Starfighter's Performance
LISTEN
to the fighter jock's voices - performed by Vivian
Stanshall (Pilot 2) and Calvert (Pilot 1):
sketch
- real audio
Pilot 1: Ah, Fritz,
how does she handle?
Pilot 2: Pretty good. I found I could balance a glass of beer on my
oxygen mask, while I was flying it in a slowww roll.
P1: Really.
P2: Well it did spill a bit on the first try. Air turbulence, actually.
P1: Still it`s not bad.
P2: Yes. I could go into a loop, light a cigarette, peel a banana and
thread a needle at twenty five thousand feet.
P1: Hmmm.
P2: Go into a dive, do the three card trick, write my name backwards,
catch a peanut in my mouth and juggle my eyeballs from one socket to
the other.
P1: Sounds like a pretty nifty kite.
P2: I've seen worse.
The
Right Stuff
- illustrated + sound
Sketch: Board
Meeting (seen through a contract lense.)
(Voices of German
politician and high ranking Airforce officers. Argy bargy and board
room murmurings):
Strauss: Fine...We'll take seven hundred.
Voice 1: Two hundred and fifty is enough.
Strauss: Seven hundred.
Voice 1: No. Two hundred and fifty is all we can cope with. At the most.
Strauss: We need SEVEN HUNDRED. At least.
Voice 1: Two hundred and fifty.
American Salesman: Would you mind just signing here please.
And here. O yes, and one down here.
German Official: Development costs? But surely you can't forecast development
costs...isn't that a little....irregular(?)
Salesman: G..ehm, G for Germany....
Scratch of pen, signing
Salesman: It's perfectly ok....G for Germany...we go for that in a big
way....
The Song of the Gremlin
(Part I)
I focused the magnifying
glass
that brought the downfall of Icarus.
Balloons were easy; a simple pin.
Or a knife in the case of the zeppelin.
That blade was the cause of many a prang
in the early days of stick and string.
I am the gremlin. I
was there.
Making mischief in the air
and always will be wherever man
flies in the face of Creation's plan.
Sketch: Ground
Crew (last minute reassambly before take off)
Voices of two
mechanics: whistling, chit - chat greetings...
2: Hey!
1: Hey! - ehm - d'ya know something 'bout planes?
2: Planes? what ...? You know...XXX planes?!?
1: No, no, no...planes..you know like...
2: Oh, yes.
1: gives a childish plane imitation...
2: Oh well, a little bit - not a lot, but...
1: Here. This engine mounting's a bit loose if you ask me.
2: Course it is. It's supposed to be like that.
1: Are you sure?
2: Well it's got to give a bit, hasn't it.
1: What do you mean 'Give'?
2: You know, it's got to give a bit in the wind. Like a bridge....
1: Oh, I see...(pause) Where does this bit go then?
2: What's that? Let's have a look. Hmm. I dunno. Never seen one of them.
Where'd it come from this bit?
1: Well, it was knocking about loose inside - found it in me trouser's
turn-up's...
2: Really? Give us it. Hmm. I'd say that was some kind of retaining
plunger.
1: Retaining plunger? What's that? Pervert or something, like use it
on the missus, do ya?
(laughter)
2: Give us that instruction book a minute.
1: (straining sound of lifting heavy objects) Got it?
2: Put your end down a bit. Careful. Mind my foot. (flickering of pages)
Let's see now. Page nine hundred and seventy nine, paragraphe three.
No. It's not here...(pause) Pass me the number twelve spanner.
1: This one?
2: No. The number twelve. That's not a number twelve is it?
1: I think they've got a bit mixed up. The number twelve doesn't seem
to be here.
2: You're right The number twelve isn't there. It must be missing. Better
make out a chitty.
1: What shall I put?
2: Here give us it. Bloody radar crew
1: (repeats slowly) bloody....bloody....two 'll's' (?)
2: Write down: Bloody radar crew. Using my spanners.....For....Stirring....Their....TEA.
Voice of Pilot: (sound of riding crop, impatiently strinking leather
boot) - Is this plane ready for take off, yet???
2: Almost ready, sir.
Pilot: (shouts) Good!
Take Off. Explosion.
TV News sports reporter's
voice: Here are the latest plane crash results from the Air defence
games in Germany: Starfighters one hundred and fifty nie: pilots killed
one hundred and six.
America not out.
Hero
with a Wing
I
see myself a hero
while one wings falls away
and the dial approaches zero
in a spiralling display.
My past life flashes feverishly,
and lives I did not lead,
like the time I was a hero
of a weird, outlandish breed.
One arm of flesh and muscle
and one of feathered scale
I was hero with a wing
that was of no avail.
I could only fly in circles
like a corkscrew in the sky,
my one wing flapping frantically
while birds just glided by.
I launched myself from mountains
and from the highest trees
although I could get nowhere
and just landed on my knees.
But still I was a hero,
with one wing more than most.
Almost half an Angel;
a whirling holy ghost.
My father was an
eagle
with two wings wide as sails
my mother was the west wind witch
with grasping finger nails.
She lured him from his aery
with her twittering device.
She kept him in a golden cage
and fed him field mice.
Sketch:
Ground Control
to Pilot
Voices of Ground
control and pilot. Intercom radio type distortion.
Ground Control: Ready for last minute cock-pit-check?
Pilot: OK.
GC: Largactil....five milligrammes.
P: Check.
GC: Valium...ten milligrammes.
P: Check.
GC: Haloperidol...five milligrammes.
P: Which one?
GC: The little white ones. W - W for white. (W-W written as the
German VolksWagen symbol)
P: (a bit slower) OK. Check.
GC: Pheno Barbitone. Five Milligrammes
P: (slower) Check.
GC: Disipel...five milligrammes.
P: (even slower) Cheeeck.
GC: Glass of water.
P: Cheeeeeeeck...
Ground Control and Pilot: Our father .... which art in heaven
hallowed be ... mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxi ma culpa.
Jet take off noise
into....
Ejection
There's only one
course of action
left for me to take
I've tried every switch selection
that might control this state
I think for my protection
I'd better make it straight
into EJECTION
better tell base - EJECTION
that I think it's a case - for EJECTION
protect my face
EJECTION
The screen's projection
tell's me I'm too late
to make a course correction
I'm about to meet my fate
no time for reflection
I'd better make it straight
into EJECTION
bust through the sky - EJECTION
the air rushing by - EJECTION
it's a case of goodbye - EJECTION
I'm too fast to die
EJECTION
When a ship meets
with destruction
the captain stays to drown
but no tin contraption
is going to drag me down
my reference intersection
tells me that I'm bound
for EJECTION
eight times my weight - EJECTION
abandon this crate - EJECTION
only one move to make - EJECTION
I've got to escape
EJECTION
Sketch:
Interview - Officer and New Recruit
Officer:
So you want to be a fighter pilot.
Recruit: A Starfighter Pilot, Sir.
O: And why particularly the Starfighter?
R: Because Sir, I am in love with this aircraft. This magnificent engine
of steal and gleam.
O: That's very poetic. Please continue.
R: This aerocynamic Delilah. Its uptilted wings and sidewinder rockets.
Its clear curving cockpit cover, the whirling of dials and needles.
The illustrious uniform of the Federal German Airforce. The click of
the heels in salute, the flare of the jacket, the wide, long-skirted
hang of it, and oh, the low shiny peak of the cap.
O: I think that's enough.
R: But Sir, the danger, and the glory of death.
A young and dashing life gone up in flames. Blonde maidens weeping.
To die for one's country.
To set forth in a silver lance too joust with the forces of darkness.
O: They don't always crash, you know.
R: It would be an honour to crash in such a plane.
O: To be mangled and scorched?
R: To be hideously mutilated beyond the recognition of one's own mother.
O: Is that makeup you're wearing?
R: Makeup, Sir?
O: Makeup. Makeup. You know it's what the ladies wear.
R: Not all ladies wear makeup, sir.
O: Well what's that black stuff around your eyes. Is that mascara?
R: All right. I can see it`s no good lying to you, sir. I confess.
It is mascara. But...only a little bit.
O: What on Earth for?
R: It's my mother, sir.
O: Your mother?
R: You see my mother was the first woman to fly the Atlantic in a (pause)
Gaseo Glider.
O: A Gaseo Glider?
R: A machine of my father's invention. You see he was too much of a
professional aeronautical inventor to actually fly it himself, so my
mother took it, and tried to fly it singlehanded across the Atlantic.
O: And what happened?
R: She...she crashed. Spun down into the sea and was never seen again.
They found only her false eyelashes, floating.
And so, you see, ever since I have worn mascara in her sacred memory.
O: I see.
R: Well sir. Do I get a plane?
O: In view of the confessions you have just made, which must have taken
a great deal of courage, I consider you an ideal type for the job.
There's a plane for you waiting on the runway. The sergeant will give
you an instruction manual on the way out.
Oh, and by the way, eh, Von Trippenhoff...
R: Sir?
O: Don`t let the CO catch you wearing makeup on duty. At least not in
uniform, understand?
R: But Sir...
O: Alright then. But very subtly applied, is that clear?
R: I understand, Sir.
O: Right on, Von Trippenhoff.
R: Righty Oh, Sir.
The
Widow Song (not
on the album - released later / vocals by Jill
Calvert)
I had a man he had
wings on his suit
He had short hair he was tall he was straight
I had a man with a scar on his face
He was starfighting man
A starfighting man
And he's never coming back
I had a man his name was Kurt
He never bit his nails he was good to me
I had a man who wore
jackboots
He was a starfighting man
A starfighting man
And he's never coming back
I had a man who was arrogant and proud
He had a riding crop he was fearless he was sly
I had a man who was a Luftwaffe star
He was a starfighting man
A starfighting man
And he's never coming back.
The
Song of the Gremlin (Part II)
Death
to engines in the air
chaos take the human wing
death to jet and turbo prop
death to stick and death to string
ruin the fuselage
destruction to the aerolon
death to the pilot and his breed
whose daring still goes on and on
no mercy for the rudder bar
no mercy for the tail plane
a singe for the handle-bar moustache
cremation for the bone-domed brain
death to rockets into space
chaos take the human egg
death to telescopic sight
death to radar and fire to flag
ruin to portholes filles with stars
destruction to the airlock's catch
death to the spaceman and his craft
it's ugly landing legs despatch
No mercy for hot-air balloons
no mery for the thread and kite
holes for the glider's canvas skin
cramp for the bird man at his height.
Sketch:
In the Biergarten
(Bavaria, that is,
obviously)
Background of beer
garden sounds - singing - clicking glasses -
Voice of German youth: (alcoholic shout, building up in tone)
Anybody want's to buy a Starfighter?
(Silence)
Well, then buy an acre of land....and wait...
Close up of LOUD belch
roaring laughter, clicking glasses - background sounds resume
Catch
a Falling Starfighter
- illustrated + sound
